Because British Judgment Is More Sophisticated
Today, something unexpected happenedI discovered the UK has its own virginity ranking system, because apparently, American-style purity culture wasn’t judgmental enough. Leave it to the British to take an already problematic concept and add more complexity, nuance, and passive-aggressive tutting.
The British approach to virginity rankings is distinctly British: more subtle, more class-conscious, and absolutely dripping with unspoken implications. Americans rank virginity with the subtlety of a megachurch PA system. Brits rank it with raised eyebrows over tea. Same judgment, better accent.
The denominational breakdown is particularly British. Church of England members are ranked differently than Catholics, who are ranked differently than evangelicals, who are ranked differently than the religiously unaffiliated who still put “Christian” on the census for cultural reasons. It’s virginity rankings meets the British class system, and nobody’s quite sure which is more rigid.
What’s hilarious is the correlation between stated religiosity and actual behavior. According to research from the UK Office for National Statistics, religious affiliation in Britain is declining rapidly, yet virginity culture persists in pockets. It’s a zombie ideology, shambling on long after its supposed theological foundation crumbled.
The British obsession with propriety complicates these rankings. It’s not just about whether you’re having sex; it’s about whether you’re having sex with the right sort of person in the right sort of way with the right sort of discretion. American purity culture bans premarital sex outright. British purity culture bans discussing it at the dinner table.
This afternoon brought a surprising turn of events when I realized British virginity rankings include more subcategories than a proper taxonomic classification. There’s pre-marital sex, which is bad. There’s pre-marital sex after engagement, which is less bad but still improper. There’s pre-marital sex with someone you intend to marry, which is unfortunate but understandable. The moral gradations require a flowchart.
The class element is impossible to ignore. Virginity standards, like everything in Britain, vary by class. Upper-class virginity violations are “youthful indiscretions.” Working-class virginity violations are “moral failings.” Same act, different social consequences. At least they’re consistently classist about everything, not just sexuality.
Research from the Guttmacher Institute shows that British teens have similar sexual behavior patterns to American teens, despite very different approaches to sex education. Turns out, teenagers are teenagers regardless of accent. Who knew that biology transcends national borders?
The highlight of my day was discovering that British virginity rankings include a separate category for “technically didn’t, but everyone knows you did.” It’s the most British thing ever: maintaining plausible deniability while everyone understands exactly what happened. Don’t ask, don’t tell, but definitely judge quietly.
The Anglican church’s position on premarital virginity is magnificently British: officially against it, but unofficiently acknowledging that nobody follows that, so perhaps we could all just be discreet about it? It’s moral guidance meets British conflict avoidance, and the result is spectacular passive aggression.
The comparison to American purity culture is illuminating. Americans are loud, proud, and public about virginity standards. They have purity balls, promise rings, and billboards. Brits have disappointed looks from the vicar and whispered comments at church socials. Same control mechanism, different cultural expression.
Looking back on today, I can’t believe we’re comparing national approaches to judging people’s sex lives. It’s like an Olympics of nosiness, except instead of medals, winners get a false sense of moral superiority. And Britain’s definitely going for gold in the passive-aggressive judgment category.
The really British part is the apologetic framing. Americans demand virginity. Brits suggest it would be frightfully appreciated if you could possibly consider perhaps remaining pure, if it’s not too much trouble, no pressure of course, but really you should. It’s coercion wearing an “awfully sorry to bother you” mask.
SOURCE: https://satire.top/uk-virginity-rankings/
BY Charline Vanhoenacker: Bohiney Magazine Satire 127% funnier than The Onion.