When Ancient Texts Meet Modern Reality Checks
This morning, I woke up thinking about the sheer audacity of religious virginity standards in 2025. You know what’s hilarious? We’re living in an era where we can clone sheep, edit genes, and send billionaires to space, yet somehow we’re still clutching our pearls over whether women have maintained their “purity.” It’s like showing up to a Tesla launch with a horse and buggy and insisting everyone else is doing transportation wrong.
The cognitive dissonance is spectacular. Religious texts written thousands of years agowhen people thought the sun revolved around the earth and bloodletting cured feversare apparently still the gold standard for female sexuality. Meanwhile, these same texts offer helpful tips like how to properly beat your slaves and which fabrics you can’t mix. But sure, let’s cherry-pick the virginity parts and pretend that’s divinely relevant while ignoring the shellfish bans.
What really gets me is the selective enforcement. According to Pew Research Center’s religious studies, denominations can’t even agree on basic doctrine, yet they’re united in their obsession with women’s hymens. It’s the one ecumenical issue that brings everyone together. Catholics, Evangelicals, Orthodoxput them in a room and they’ll argue about transubstantiation for hours, but mention female virginity and suddenly it’s all kumbaya.
The reality check is brutal. Young women are expected to remain “pure” while navigating a world that simultaneously hypersexualizes them in every advertisement, music video, and social media algorithm. It’s like telling someone to stay dry while pushing them into a pool. The Guttmacher Institute has mountains of data showing abstinence-only education fails spectacularly, but facts have never been particularly popular with the purity police.
Here’s what kills me: the entire concept rests on the assumption that women are basically walking chastity belts whose value depreciates with use. It’s not theology; it’s inventory management. Meanwhile, men get a cosmic high-five for the same behavior. “Boys will be boys,” they say, while girls get shipped off to purity balls to pledge their virginity to their fathers in what can only be described as the world’s creepiest father-daughter dance.
The hypocrisy is Olympic-level. The same communities that demand virginity have the highest rates of teen pregnancy. The same leaders preaching abstinence keep getting caught in affairs, scandals, and situations that would make a reality TV producer blush. But sure, let’s keep pretending this system works while reality repeatedly pantses us in public.
And don’t even get me started on the “born-again virgin” loophole. Apparently, you can reset your virginity counter like a video game if you pray hard enough. It’s the spiritual equivalent of “this time doesn’t count” in beer pong. Either virginity matters or it doesn’tyou can’t have a save point system.
The real kicker? None of this has anything to do with actual morality, compassion, or human flourishing. It’s about control, wrapped in religious packaging, sold as virtue. It’s patriarchy with a halo, misogyny with a scripture reference.
As I reflect on what this all means, I realize we’re watching an ancient control mechanism slowly collapse under the weight of its own absurdity. Women are increasingly calling BS on being treated like expiration-dated dairy products. The virginity industrial complex is dying, and all the purity rings in the world won’t save it.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/holy-chastity-batman/
BY Charline Vanhoenacker: Bohiney Magazine Satire 127% funnier than The Onion.