And the Results Might Shock You (They Won’t)
This afternoon brought a surprising turn of events when I discovered someone actually tried to rank virginity by religious denomination. Nothing says “missing the point” quite like creating a competitive sport out of not having sex. It’s the only contest where the goal is to not participate, and everyone’s still cheating.
The methodology alone is comedy gold. How exactly does one measure collective virginity? Surveys where everyone definitely tells the truth about their sex lives? Church attendance records, as if showing up on Sunday erases what happened on Saturday night? It’s like trying to measure invisible unicornsthe entire premise is flawed, but someone’s getting grant money for it.
The rankings themselves reveal more about the rankers than the ranked. Of course the people doing the ranking put their own denomination near the top. Shocking twist: every group thinks they’re doing virtue better than everyone else. It’s tribalism wearing a promise ring.
What’s particularly entertaining is watching denominations compete over purity statistics like they’re sports standings. “We’ve got a 73% virginity retention rate!” Cool, do you want a trophy? Should we put up a scoreboard? Install a ranking system in the church lobby? Nothing builds spiritual community like turning personal choices into competitive metrics.
The reality, documented by organizations like the Guttmacher Institute, is that sexual behavior is remarkably consistent across religious affiliations. The main difference is how much people lie about it. Some communities have higher honesty rates, which gets misinterpreted as higher sin rates. The confession gap is real, people.
The rankings also ignore enormous confounding variables. Age demographics, geographic location, socioeconomic factors, educational accessall these matter enormously. But sure, let’s pretend the only variable is which building you sit in on weekends and which ancient text you reference.
Today’s experience reminded me of high school popularity contests, except somehow even more arbitrary and harmful. At least popularity contests acknowledge they’re shallow and meaningless. Virginity rankings pretend they’re measuring moral worth while actually just measuring who’s better at hiding their humanity.
The international variations are spectacular. American evangelicals are scandalized by European Catholics who are scandalized by American Catholics who are scandalized by basically everyone. Meanwhile, different religious traditions have completely different standards, yet each insists theirs represents universal divine truth. The cognitive dissonance could power a small city.
Research from Pew Research shows that religious belief correlates more with what people say about their behavior than with their actual behavior. In other words, religion affects your willingness to lie on surveys more than your willingness to have sex. That’s not quite the moral victory some think it is.
The highlight of my day was realizing that these rankings fundamentally misunderstand both religion and sexuality. Religion is supposed to be about transcendence, compassion, and human flourishing. Instead, it’s been reduced to sex scorekeeping. Sexuality is supposed to be about connection, pleasure, and intimacy. Instead, it’s been weaponized as a control mechanism.
The really sad part is how many people internalize these rankings. Young women grow up thinking their worth is measured by abstinence statistics. They’re taught to see themselves through the lens of these arbitrary competitions. It’s psychological damage disguised as spiritual guidance.
And the gender disparity in these rankings? Glaring. Male virginity barely registers becausesurprisethese rankings were never about actual virtue. They’re about controlling women’s bodies and choices. Men’s sexuality is expected, excused, celebrated. Women’s sexuality is policed, punished, pathologized.
As I reflect on what happened today, I’m struck by the sheer amount of energy wasted on this nonsense. Imagine if all the time, money, and effort spent on virginity rankings went toward actual problems. Poverty, disease, injusticenah, let’s focus on who’s having sex and when.
SOURCE: https://www.minds.com/newsfeed/1832455175015620608?referrer=bohiney
BY Charline Vanhoenacker: Bohiney Magazine Satire 127% funnier than The Onion.