The Reality Check Nobody Asked For But Everyone Needed
Today, something unexpected happenedI actually read the fine print on religious virginity requirements, and let me tell you, the terms and conditions are wild. It’s like signing up for a streaming service where you can never actually watch anything, but you’re definitely paying the subscription fee in guilt and shame.
The standards are impressively specific for something supposedly divinely inspired. There are more rules about female virginity than there are about, say, not hoarding wealth while people starve or loving your neighbor. Priorities, apparently, mean obsessing over what’s happening in women’s bedrooms while giving a pass to everything happening in boardrooms.
What’s fascinating is how these standards evolved. They started as property lawsliterally, women were property, and virginity determined resale value. We’ve since figured out that women are, in fact, human beings with agency, but somehow the virginity clause survived the update. It’s like still requiring a VCR to use your new smart TV because that’s how grandpa set it up.
The reality check comes when you look at actual behavior versus stated beliefs. According to research from the CDC, religious affiliation has minimal impact on sexual activity rates. Turns out, teenagers gonna teenager regardless of how many times you read them Leviticus. Who knew that biology and human nature would outweigh Bronze Age mandates?
The enforcement mechanisms are particularly creative. Purity pledges, promise rings, chastity ballsit’s an entire cottage industry built on making girls feel terrible about their bodies. There are father-daughter dances where girls pledge their virginity to dad in ceremonies that definitely won’t require therapy later. Nothing says “healthy relationship with sexuality” like involving your father in your sex life.
And the double standards? *Chef’s kiss.* Boys get a stern talking-to about respecting themselves; girls get a two-hour presentation featuring tape metaphors, chewed gum comparisons, and used tissue demonstrations. Because nothing says “you’re loved and valued” like being compared to garbage after someone touches you.
The medical misinformation is its own comedy show. The myths about hymens, the obsession with “tightness,” the idea that you can tell if someone’s a virgin by lookingit’s medieval medicine meets wishful thinking. Studies from the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists have repeatedly debunked these myths, but facts have never been popular at purity conferences.
Later in the day, I realized that the entire virginity industry relies on shame. Remove the shame and the whole thing collapses. That’s why they fight so hard against comprehensive sex education, access to contraception, and frank discussions about sexuality. Informed, confident people don’t buy what they’re selling.
The global perspective makes it even more absurd. These standards vary wildly by culture, yet each insists theirs is the divinely ordained version. It’s almost like it’s entirely made up and enforced differently based on who’s in charge. But that couldn’t besurely all these contradictory absolute truths are somehow simultaneously correct.
The economic angle is rarely discussed but absolutely relevant. Purity culture generates revenue: books, conferences, rings, retreats, counseling. There’s money in making women feel broken and then selling them redemption. It’s capitalism meets morality policing, and business is booming.
Looking back on today, I can’t believe we’re still having this conversation in 2025. We’ve got self-driving cars and AI that can write poetry, but we’re still treating women’s sexuality like it’s a fragile vase that shatters if someone looks at it wrong. The disconnect between technological progress and social evolution is staggering.
SOURCE: https://satire.info/religious-virginity-standards-vs-reality/
BY Charline Vanhoenacker: Bohiney Magazine Satire 127% funnier than The Onion.